I could do with some kind words, or even just virtual hugs.
I'm struggling and I'm tired and I'm running out of energy.

I've got a sore bit on my neck and I am so scared.
Claire took me to the GP and he said it's just a gland.
But I'm scared I'm infected, scared I'm gonna be stuck alive forever and I can barely take being here right now.
Crisis team were offered but I hate them and I don't know what they could do anyway, possibly tell me to grow a pair,which you never know it might have worked, I'm sick of being pathetic and miserable.

I managed to be honest with Luke about just how bad I have been feeling.
I told him that I've been feeling suicidal and having really bad self-harm urges.
He is really upset and worried and now I feel so guilty about being honest because I hate hurting and worrying people.
But then if I didn't tell him I'd feel guilty for hiding things, I can't win.

I'm going away for the weekend to my Grandparents golden wedding anniversary party. I don't know how I'll cope with it, too much socialising and pressure, I'm going to really struggle to hold it together.

Oh and I got my hair cut yesterday, it's horrible and it makes me realise just how much weight I have put on round my face.

I am so tired.
I'm always tired at the moment.
And I seem to be losing the ability to communicate properly.
I'm withdrawing, talking complete rubbish to people instead of talking about how I'm feeling.
I feel like an egg about to hatch.
And I'm more and more convinced my tablets were nothing but a chemical straightjacket to control me when I lacked self control.
And I know I have control now, at least 6 months self harm free.

I'm home at my Mum's.
Life in Nottingham is good. Lots of walking, lazing in the park and allotments.
I survived sweden, which I am so proud of.
I had a few panic attacks and a minor meltdown. But I got there, I coped with sharing a house with people I didn't know. They all saw my scars because I dared go saunaing with everyone. But no one judged. And they were so lovely about my whole "can't wash my hair in strange places" thing. One of them lent me her shampoo and i washed it in the sauna showers when everyone else was there so I didn't freak out about what I couldn't see without my glasses.

Home at my Mums now. I hate it. She keeps going on about how it's meant to be my home. If it was truly my home she wouldn't be clearing out any trace of me though. I'm meant to take all my kids soft toys and board games and everything back to nottingham with me. I'm hearing drums that don't exist. I run out of antipsychotics tomorrow. We went to a street theatre performance with these drumming devils, but they had eyes like vampires. I was so scared. One stared at me and I knew he knew that I knew. He could have savaged me in the street and everyone would think it was part of the act.

It's everywhere. Sodding trailors on TV, posters on bus stops. I can't avoid it. It's not fair.

Mum was raving about how much she liked Twilight this weekend. How she wished she'd brought the DVD for me to watch. LOL

Had a nice weekend though Mum got raelly teary and upset on Friday. She misses my sister and I, her boyfriend does bugger all to help her round the house and her job is stressing her out. We talked a little about my self-harm and Freya's. Mum said "well Freya's legs are so bad she won't even go swimming with me, even though I've seen them." Freya doesn't make an effort to hide them and truth be told they aren't bad in the slightest. If Mum knew what I was concealing beneath my clothes, she'd be horrified. I'm sick of sodding scars. I ended up sending an email to a cosmetic surgery place to try and see how much surgery would be to remove them Out of my price range for certain, but maybe something to save for.

Had an interesting conversation with my Mum about a friend of hers who killed herself. Mum said she always seemed so fragile and that she wouldn't have expected her to kill herself because to commit suicide takes real strength. Would she think me a coward then if she knew of my attempts? Is it normal to think of suicides as being strongwilled? Or is this some other fucked up family trait of mine. Hmm I don't know.

Luke's back tomorrow, can't wait. I need a cuddle.

I wonder which it is that disturbs me more now, the past I've tried to erase from myself, or the methods by which I tried to erase those memories.

I remember being strip-searched in a freezing cold police station. Having to squat, I was on my period and was worried I would drip blood on the floor. I remember standing up again and being asked "what's that you've written all over yourself?". DNR,DNR,DNR,DNR,DNR,DNR, over and over and over again. On every available surface of skin, so that if by some miracle I survived the fall the hospital would know my wishes.

Writing all over my bedroom wall in blood.

BITCH

WHORE

DIE YOU FREAK

I lose my eloquence at my most vulnerable evidently.

Running down the street being chased by paramedics, my dressing-gown billowing open, I was naked underneath but that didn't matter, all I could think about was running, hair streaming behind me. But my freedom was all to brief.

Standing on the flyover, legs wobbling, cars rushing by below me. Then no more cars, the road closed off, queues forming, tailbacks because of my stupidity.

Pacing in a hospital waiting room, back and forth between the bathroom where I would swallow more of that days favoured poison. Having to tell the nurse what it was I had taken, "well you're creative in your suicidality aren't you?" An accolade perhaps I wish I hadn't earnt.

On a hospital ward, drip in my arm surrounded by old ladies slowly dying and middle-age ladies having their gallstone removed. "So what're you in for duck?" Well obviously I wasn't going to tell them of my new, unique form of self-torture.

And finding out of the night that was erased from my memory. All I remember is being sat there on the sofa, 2 gaping holes in my arm that I don't remember doing, bruised and rope-burnt neck, anxious housemates fussing round, howling and screaming about how I needed an end. Even the next day I couldn't remember the earlier part of that night but I found out recently the truth. They arrived home as I was hanging, they tied me down. I was vomiting and vomiting everywhere. Fighting, biting and cursing as i tried to throw myself over the bannisters, anything to escape, any way for it to be over.

Launching myself out the window as Luke grabbed my ankles and hauled me back in.

All of this it haunts me. I hate how everyone got dragged in to my own personal tragedy, Luke, Housemates, Friends, Police, Ambulance, Innocent Passers-By, Hospital Patients. This is the stuff of my nightmares now. Yes there's still the occasional one, I'm on my stomach, he's above me, heavy, grunting, I press my face in the pillow to try block it all out. But yet that disturbs me less than the trauma I inflicted upon myself. I am forever looking over my shoulder, watching, worrying that depression will catch up with me some day and clame me as her own again. I will become a human banshee and howl with the wind, wail and gnash my teeth and carve up my arms into bitesized portions. I take my tablets religiously to try and ward off the beast, I feel like I want something solid, a horseshoe above my door, symbols carved into the wall, to protect me from that force. I do not want to be possessed again, to lose myself amongst my mind, to wage war on myself, who could be the victor in that battle?

Well I did it, managed to complete my year back at uni and sit all my end of year exams. I'm constantly being told by people how well and happy I'm looking, my psychologist has said it, my Dad has said it and both my support worker and psych have said it!

I've been told by my support worker I've made the most progress within a year of anyone she's ever known. I've gone from being completely disabled by my mental health to well on the road to recovery. To think I was nearly sectioned in January, but am now nearly 3 months 3 is a vast difference between the two.

I thought I'd never get to this point, I'd all but given up getting better at some points this year.  Obviously it's not all my achievement, it's also down to supportive boyfriends, support worker and psych who have taken me seriously and listened, changing degree, living in a house that really feels like home.

I'm a bit scared now though, I am terrified of going back to the lows I have had. What if depression is something I'm always going to have to watch out for, that it will always be nipping at my heels. I don't think I'd survive another episode as severe as I have had, that's a scary thought.

Luke moves in for good tomorrow.
I need him, I really do.

I was sexually assaulted by my neighbour yesterday.
I'm a doormat. I let anyone do whatever they want to me.
It's stupid that something so little could make me start thinking of death and destruction and bleeding again.
I can't self harm though, I really can't. I promised I wouldn't. And it's been far too long, the urge is too great if I lost control it would be stitches and nerve damage and the works again. I got given 6 weeks of meds yesterday, so much trust. I have been getting better and one touch from one man and I'm a wreck again.

I've had really horrible dreams, I fall between two trams and I get squashed and I urinate everywhere. I am bleeding everywhere. And other scary things, my throat is ripped open, jugulars spurting, it's them of course.

I can write about 300-400 words at a time before my concentration goes. I'm making painfully slow progress on my uni work, it really is taking forever.

I thought it was nearly finished but this last bit really is a long hard slog.
I am mentally exhausted, my brain needs a holiday. It's threatening to go all floaty and weird on me, which is fine if I'm wanting to write stories and poetry, but not for academic essays.

I went for a walk today and I felt separate from everyone,  it was like I was walking underwater, everything was there, just somehow detached from me, like some kind of invisible barrier. I went to the park to do poi, the whirling and floaty patterns help concentrate my mind a bit. But it was too windy to do too much.

My hair is getting manky. I need to find a way of washing it in my house alone without freaking out. It has been a week since I washed it last and I've got another 8 days till Luke returns, I feel gross.

edit: I've just found a paper that was published in september 2009. WTF?! Either I've lost a few months of my life or something funny is going on.

I've had a weird achey and stuff back, neck and jaw all day.
I got all paranoid it was dystonia again. Talked to the pharmacist and they said to wait a day or two.
That's scary because of how bad it was last time.
It's not gotten much worse but I'm still nervous of taking my AP tonight.
I'm alone in the house and don't fancy a midnight dash to A+E
It's a pity because I definately have felt calmer and less fearful on it.

Based on an appointment I had today, is reality important?

The way I see it, it is. You have to be certain that what you experience is real, because otherwise you have to doubt everything. For example sometimes I think I've heard someone knock on the door, go to answer it and no ones there. No big deal, sometimes someone is there! But if my whole life was like that, how on earth would I cope?! It's like once I dreamt an email, then got confused and thought it was real, then the very email I dreamt about I received in real life. So now with my emails I constantly have to double check that they are real.

But my person/woman/thing thinks the reality is not important. She doesn't believe me that what happened did actually happen. But she says the reality isn't the important part because my experience was real. Now to me this is a rather fluffy way of saying "don't worry but you've probably been tripping". But I do worry, because reality is important to me.

So opinions... Is reality important?
Or are personal experiences enough?
If you have no grip on reality how can you be certain of anything?
Or can you accept that something might not have been real without doubting the validity of every truth you possess?
And then I start thinking about the Matrix and all the implications that has for reality. If you found out you were in the matrix would you try and escape? Or if your virtual life was happy and fulfilling would you be content to just carry on living the lie and ignoring the truth?

Oh I'm in a philosophical mood tonight!

And my scary neighbour ended up in my house again. I'm such a fucking doormat. But in the space of 10 minutes I learned he was drunk for his probation officer, drunk at the meeting with his daughter and the social worker, has got another woman pregnant, oh it's all fun and games!

I had a really scary night last night.
Rob came and knocked on my door, he said he'd remembered at the housewarming about how we didn't have a working TV, would we like one of his old ones, he had so many his flat was "like the starship enterprise". So I said yes please, that would be nice.

He brought it round and it took ages for him to set it up and get it working. I felt really uncomfortable with him being in the house, but could hardly tell him to bugger off since a. I'd invited him in and b. he was doing me a favour.

Once he'd finished the TV he asked me if I was going to buy him a drink in return. So I could hardly say no could I, I thought we were going to a pub, but no we went to ASDA where I got talked into buying vodka and coke. When we got back to mine he followed me in, so I poured us both a drink, but made it really clear that he couldn't stay for too long as I had stuff to do (actually I didn't, but I needed an excuse to make him leave without him kicking off). But he just wouldn't go and kept drinking more and more. And then he started talking, talking about the war, about how he accidentally shot a child when his friend was his "spotter" (the guy who tells him where to aim as far as I could tell), how his friend killed himself because of that mistake, how his son was stillborn, about his daughter in foster care because her mum is a junkie and abandoned her.

He got more and more agressive and I got more and more nervy. He kept telling me I had to "calm the fuck down", but of course the more he said that the more terrified I got. He made me slap him in the face to show how it didn't hurt because he had titanium plates inserted into his skull.  He was angry, agressive and twitchy.

But then he started commenting on my breasts and my bum. Saying how he didn't like Luke for leaving me on my own. Inside I was screaming, I thought he was going to try something and I'd have just had to let it happen.

After an eternity I managed to get him to leave. I just let him take the vodka, I just wanted rid of him. As soon as he left I realised just how dangerous that situation was, I started to shake and cry. I felt like a human doormat, I'd let him in, given him a drink and listened to him without having wanted to do any of it. I gave Luke a quick ring and then texted my old housemate. He knows how violent my neihbour can get so he can straight round. Rob yelled something about vodka at the front door, we turned the lights out and stayed quiet. After a bit we snuck back to my old house and I stayed there the night. I couldn't sleep at all, partly nerves and partly because I forgot my Amitryptyline.

Arrived at uni for my psych appointment today feeling so nervy. I got in and Claire had rung him about the vampire issue, and I seemed extremely agitated. He's put me on Quetapine to try and reduce my anxiety and the fears, he thinks it was a hallucination. This confuses me, it really does. I feel like I'm not being believed.

We also talked about my weight. How apparently meal planning and calorie counting are what I need to do, but how to do that without recoursing to anorexic/bulimic type behaviours again?

Spent this afternoon in plant labs.
Where I was immediately given a brand spanking new shiny scalpel to work with.
It was so tempting and yet so horrifying at the same time.
My hands were shaking so much I thought I was accidentally going to injure myself with it.
My mentor ended up having to hold the plant still for me to help. I felt so stupid.

We had a really good talk about stuff on the way back. I've finally found out what's wrong with her, I was guessing ME but it turns out it's spina bifida, however it's hidden. A friend of mine had it at school but her's was really obvious as she wore calipers and was in a wheelchair.

My heads all over the place, I can't hold a thought straight. I keep doing stuff like walking into the bathroom and flushing the toilet before I've gone, or trying to put the kettle in the fridge. I feel like I'm getting brain fog again. I've an appointment with Dr Adams tomorrow so I shall have to mention it. I'm a bit worried about tomorrow as Claire is speaking to him first, she's worried about the vampire incident in Bath, she say's it was a hallucination and that's it's concerning that my fear has shifted into being a belief rather than a fear. I don't see it as concerning at all, it's not like it's some flight of fantasy, just that the evidence has amassed until it is no longer logical to not believe in them. To say they didn't exist would be like saying I don't believe in apple trees whilst stood in an orchard drinking cider.. So she's been mentioning the big P, psychosis again. But I am not going on antipsychotics, I am not risking dystonia as it was one of the scariest things I have ever experienced. I know procyclidine undoes that, but it ives me such a dry mouth that I constantly have panic attacks, I'm not willing to have that.

Luke comes this weekend, I'm looking forward to it. It's been difficult being in the house on my own. Probably the stupidest thing is that I don't feel safe washing my hair in the house alone, I haven't washed it since Sunday morning and I feel disgusting and look like a tramp. But I just feel if I take my glasses off I couldn't see if anyone came in. I know it's stupid. Also it will just be nice to see him to have cuddles and stuff, I miss him.

I've lost a friend lately. It's weird but I feel like a weight has been taken over my shoulders, I feel cut loose. That's not right, which means perhaps that friendship wasn't right. Anyhow I couldn't put myself through an emotional wringer for them again. It's sad, but I can't have a friendship with the thing that was looming over it loomin over me. I have a feeling about something I suspected being true, which will be a good thing for this person and I will be happy for them, however it does mean that our friendship could never be rekindled.

Wish me luck for tomorrow, I may just need it.

Finally properly moved in. We've had our housewarming and I spent a week at my Mum's.

I really like the flat, it's so big and airy annd it's been wonderful whilst Luke has been here. We are growing herbs and salad in window boxes and have been shopping for bits and pieces for the flat. Spent £100 pounds at IKEA, which wasn't bad considering we got a bookcase, laundry airer, glasses,jug,lolly makers, frying pan, pan, potato masher,whisk, chopping board, candles...well you get the idea! We also got an entire teaset and 4 tiny pretty wine glasses all for £2 at a house clearance shop.

Our house-warming party was kind of interesting. We invited our neighbour. And that's where the problem lay. He's ex-military, on a pension because he got PTSD, he's also a violent alcoholic and an ex football hooligan. He knocked on our door at bout half 1 in the morning complaining we were being too loud, we'd been in bed for an hour and a half. He also told us our landlords "should have warned us about him".

So we invited him to our house-warming so he couldn't complain about the noise. He turned up with his partner and brought us a bottle of wine and a teddy which was nice. But he got really, really drunk. And agressive, he took a dislike to two of my friends and was talking about beating them up. It was quite scary. I think he's ok with me. He saw my scars and showed me his own, his girlfriend is a self-harmer aswell. Which is a little odd, all four people in the 2 flats in our building having self harm problems. But he ot more agressive and erratic as the evening went on, his partner tried to persuade him to leave but he wouldn't. In the end she persuaded us that the best course of action was for everyone to pretend to leave and walk round the block, she would take him downstairs, put on loud music then they could return. We didn't dare continue the party downstairs in case he heard so we all ended up packed in our bedroom. Last night him and his girlfriend were having a massive shouting match and things were banging. I felt quite unsettled about it.

I'm feeling a bit weird about being in the house on my own for 3 weeks whilst Luke is back in Stoke. Every room has massive windows, which is great during the day. But anything could get in at night. And when I went to visit my sister in bath somethin happened which confirmed my fears. And the lightshde at the front door looks like someone hanging whenever I go to the bathroom at night. I'm  bit scared of how I will cope on my own. I've never lived totally alone before, there's always been someone in the bulding.

House-key's on Tuesday!!!!
I've been packing loads today. Can't believe I've accumulated that much stuff.
I've been panicking a bit over how much uni work I have but I'm seeing my mentor monday and we are sorting out a plan of action.

Probably not gonna be around much for a while until we get internet in the house and settled in and stuff.

Oh and in other news, I'm now a chat mod on RYL!

Been doing nothin for months and now its all busy busy busy.
Just hope I can cope with it all.

I went down to Bath on friday for my sisters birthday, got home today.

I just about coped with the trains, was given diazepam which really helped. Had a major stress today though as the train I had bouht tickets for simply didn't exist! I asked the ticket people and they said I had to go via bristol. I deliberately avoided Bristol because it's just so big and busy. I had a bit of a panic, felt all wobbly and the floor looked like it was moving, but I'm home now.

The weekend was fun but busy. Friday night was my sister's birthday party. She had a kids party theme so there was jelly (with vodka in it though), crispy cakes, pineapple and cheese on sticks, sausage rolls etc. It was quite a fun night, there was probably around 20 people there and I coped pretty well with talking to strange people once I'd had a drink. Thouh then I got a little too drunk, Freya had left to walk a friend home and I had a panic attack. I was curled up in a ball in their outside yard. My sister came back after that, then I took my amitryptyline and was so tired I went to bed and fell asleep straight away.

The next day we went to the cinema to see Duplicity. Thank god for CEA cards, makes it less expensive. It was quite a good film, though not that brilliant. Slightly predictable storyline. In the late afternoon/evening we went to a birthday party at one of Freya's friends houses. It was an interesting bunch of people. A lot of these people were from the Bath Activist Network that Freya is part of. So I spent my evening talking to anarchists, squatters, couch surfers and a music therapist! Actually they were all really lovely interesting people and given that my degree is Environmental Science I found a lot in common to talk about.

But there was one guy there. And they were talking about horror films and stuff and he said "I'm a vampire, look at my fangs" and he bared his teeth, glared right at me and he did have fangs. I was terrified, completely utterly trembling with fear. I had garlic in my pocket and I doubt he'd attack in front of so many people, but still I felt really unsafe. And it has confirmed in my mind that it's not me being irrational, this is the 4th encounter I have had with them.

Oh and there was this stupid wankered girl who said my sister and I were basically the same person but that I was the boring one...charming! Freya actualy said I was more conversational than her that night as sshe got really really stoned,but I didn't as I didn't know how it would react with my meds.

Sunday we had lunch at wagamama's then lounged around in the park a bit. Teatime we went out with Freya's friends to an indian buffet. I hate buffet restaurants as they really remind me of being bulimic and purging, but I managed not to binge. I avoided the rice and just had lots of vegetable curry and salad so I didn't feel too bloated. I honestly don't know how my sister affords her lifestyle though, she is out partying/eating takeaways/at the pub ALL the time.

I'm a little bit jelous of her though to be honest. She's leading the kind of life I always imagined I would when I was at uni, getting involved in politics, hanging out with friends all the time. I mean hopefully I will when I gain more control over my anxiety, and I know nottingham does have an activist scene as one of the squatters was telling me he's been to the centre there. But its like I rarely go out with friends, don't really know anyone off my course and yeah, I'm a bit of a loser really.

But my housing contract should come throuh the post tomorrow which means I definately am moving in with Luke! I'm really looking forward to it. I can just see it working, it just feels right. And I'm positive it will feel like a home rather than just a place I'm living, so I should feel more settled than I am here. Plus it means I get to spend more time with Luke which is always a wonderful thing! Oh my sister's friends got her a vibrator for her birthday! She only sees her boyfriend during uni holidays so they decided she needed something to release her frustration!!

Boo!
Stalker:-P

Got my hair cut today.
Started feeling a bit panicky whilst waiting for it, floor pulsing at me and that kind of thing.
It was funny, my hair dresser was the spitting image of my Dad's crazy friend Debbie, rather large, blonde and kind of punk. She was wearing a black pinstriped shirt with black pinstriped tihts and really chunky new rock style boots underneath.

It's the first time anyone has ever got excited about cutting my hair. She was going on about letting the curls run wild and doing "something funky" and all of this. She also called me mischief throughout the thing which was a little odd. She was so bright and bubbly and I'm really rather quiet with strangers. I wished I could break out my shell and appear vivacious and laugh loudly at her jokes instead of doing this funny little smile because i was too nervous to react properly. Sometimes my anxiety feels like a prison.

Wandered round town a bit. Bouht a duvet ba to put clothes in for moving but it's smaller than I thought it was. Tried to ring the estate agent people to chase up the tenancy agreement but no answer. I chickened out of phoning the mobile. Will give it a shot again tomorrow.

I don't like my n ew haircut, it's weird and looks a bit like an 80's footballer, I may be in hats for a few months.

I went to Lukes this weekend to try and sort things out a bit.
It hurt talking so openly about it all. He feels like the fact that just because I have managed to not cut for coming up 5 weeks isn't important, because I still broke the promise by going to the bridge and I didn't stick to my thing about not drinking for Lent. I do see his point. As he says "Am I meant to believe only every 5th word that you say".

I guess I just feel a little differently. I know I messed up with the bridge thing, I have beat myself up over it unbelievably. It was a hue screw up and a betrayal of Luke, that fact is undeniable. So I stopped cutting to prove I had self control and could be trusted as I can keep my word. That is a huge thing for me to do, it's the way I've coped since I was 12. But I've managed so far, it certainly hasn't been easy though. And then for Lent I gave up drinking. Yet another challenge, yet another coping mechanism I have denied myself. But I slipped up, I really wasn't coping last week, panic attacks in lectures and I had work due in and stuff was going wrong and I was just a wreck.Plus some pretty graphic flashbacks. I got myself in a right state and I was so worried I would give in and cut, or self harm in another, more dangerous way. So I had a drink instead. It didn't even cross my mind tbh that Luke would think that meant I couldn't be trusted again. I saw it as choosing the lesser of two evils. The way I see it the Lent thing was nothing to do with Luke and my relationship, it was a challenge I set myself purely for me.

So now the whole moving in at Easter is jeopardised. Which fair enough, moving in together isn't going to be the best thing whilst the relationship isn't exactly at it's best. But I've handed my notice in and I am so scared. I can't push him for a decision as I am too scared we'll split up or he'll say he wont move in. But if he's not going to move in I need to know. And really soon! I've handed my notice in here and to be honest, the way my flatmates are being lately I couldn't stay even had I not handed it in. I've no idea where I will live. Claire sugested halls, but that'd be living in a flat with strangers and the idea of that terrifies me. I could get a studio room, but then I'll be on my own all the time and I know thats not healthy.

I dont know. I feel unsettled and insecure and anxious.

I've been quite panicky this weekend, but then again I forgot to take my meds to Lukes so I've been withdrawing from them.

A letter about my psychologist referral. I have an appointment in June, finally. So I guess that means they've sorted out the whole "we don't want to see anyone who is under the CMHT as they probably have too severe an illness" argument. So a mere 7 months after I was initially offered an appointment which was then cancelled I get called back.

I have mixed feelings about this. Now good old Amitriptyline seems to have lifted the chemical imbalance causing my depression I guess the logical next step is to deal with the "baggage" as my psychiatrist termed it. Baggage being anxiety, panic attacks, flashbacks, paranoia and the whole "fears".

Thing is I'm already worried about the assessment appointment. I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone new about what I'm scared about (sorry I'm being very vague but the paranoia is bad at the moment so I'm avoiding the words). When I did disclose it to someone new (my DSA assessor) I immediately panicked so badly about it. I spent the next few days terrified until I managed to tell Claire who contacted the woman to ensure that the nature of my fears weren't disclosed on the paperwork and so the information wasn't out in the open and vulnerable to what I fear finding out about it.

But then if someone turns up to a psychologists just complaining about anxiety and panic attacks then they're just going to suggest doing a short course of CBT with me. I don't want CBT, I've tried the computerised stuff and it just doesn't suit me. Claire say's I pretty much think in a CBT way already, as in I come up with possible explanations of why I felt particularly anxious at a time, try to come up with my own solutions and try to come up with logical explanations for things which to me appear to be supernatural.

So if I already think that way, what good is CBT going to do? Well its not that I already think that way, it's just I know what I should be thinking. I'm fairly intelligent, I don't need to be re-educated about my emotions. It's like when I was goin throuh SSRI after SSRI and all of them made me impulsive ,hyperactive and dangerous and I got mislabelled as BPD. I knew I wasn't that as it just didn't fit aside from the self harming. The impulsiveness was purely from the tablets and I tried to tell them that. But I just got labelled as difficult, funny though how once I got a half-decent psych who decided to try some nonSSRI antidepressants that I actually found one that works. And I haven't self-harmed in over 4 weeks. Haven't taken any overdoses in months, haven't tried to kill myself in months, haven't been sectioned by the police in months. It makes me angry in some respects as all of those things that I did only started getting serious after I started on the SSRI's (I'd been self harming for years,but not to stitches level), I wonder would I ever have got this bad had I been put on the right tablets to start with? Or would I have got that bad had I not taken any medication at all? I don't know.